Frosty the Republican Snowman: An Updated Christmas Story

by admin on December 13, 2009

Hey everybody! Are you going to a Christmas party and need to find some way to pass the time and amuse the kiddies? Act out the skit listed below. Tried and tested to be politically correct. Just in time for the holiday season!

Cast of characters:

  1. Frosty
  2. Penguin1
  3. Penguin2
  4. Paulie the Polar Bear
  5. Supertanker Captain
  6. Susie the baby seal
  7. Cabana boy1
  8. Cabana boy2

Setting: The North Pole. Two penguins are holding up signs that say "Down with Frosty" and "Frosty-Resign!" They are chanting "De-Elect Frosty, Impeach Frosty!"

Frosty the Snowman enters on stage, singing "Frosty the Snowman"

Frosty: What do we have here, upset penguins? What's wrong?

Penguin1: Boo Frosty!

Penguin2: Bad Frosty!

Frosty: I don't understand, why is everybody yelling at me?

Penguin1: Come on Frosty, everybody knows you left the "Arctic Renewal Party" and switched to the "Hydrocarbons for a Better Tomorrow Party."

Penguin2: Yeah, don't you understand that Carbon party is going to destroy the North Pole?

Frosty: Balderdash. I switched parties to better serve the voters. I did it for you guys! Now that I can work in the Hydrocarbon paryt, I can help make the Arctic a better place to live.

Penguin1: But Frosty, there are nothing but a bunch of capitalistic polluters. They seek to ravage the environment.

Frosty has a bored look on his face.

Penguin2: Frosty, a piece of your butt just fell off!

Frosty: Eh, oh never mind, it's just a flesh wound. Hey look, it's Paulie the polar bear. Hi Paulie.

Paulie makes his entrance wearing a Hawaiian Aloha shirt.

Paulie: Hey, hey everybody, how is it shaking.

Penguin1: Whoa, hey, colorful shirt, I've never seen you wear that before.

Paulie: Do you like it? I just had the urge to wear a shirt like this... don't know why.

Penguin2: Aren't you supposed to be hibernating right now?

Paulie: Yeah, yeah, but I woke up early this week, just had crazy urge to get to the wet bar and have a drink.
Penguin1: What's that in your hand?

Paulie: A little something the bartender whipped up for me. It's called a Pina Colada. Mmmmm, tasty."

Another piece of Frosty falls off

Frosty: Ow!

Penguin2: What's wrong Frosty?

Frosty: Nothing... nothing. Atkins diet. Never felt better.

Penguin1: Anyway, Frosty, you've got to stop the industrialization of the Arctic. If you don't the wonderful beauty of the North will be forever despoiled.

Penguin2: Why yes, look at the beautiful Northern Lights.

Paulie: Those aren't Northern Lights. That's a gas flare from a oil rig!

Frosty: Sweet, they started drilling early!

Penguin1 turns around 180 degrees:

Penguin1: And what is THAT?

Supertanker captain: Toot, toot, supertanker coming through. Which way is the oil?

Penguin2: Oh my goodness, isn't it extremely dangerous for a large ship like this to navigate so close to shore?

Supertanker captain: Oh no, no, no, not really. Well, not for us... Now that you mention, does this belong to anyone?

Holds up a baby seal totally covered in crude oil.

Penguin1: Oh no, it's little Susie the seal! She's covered in goo! What happened?

Takes the seal.

Supertanker captain: Oh first run out of here, we had a tiny accident. Thought all the icebergs had melted. Well they had. Except for one. Really ruined the martini party we were having that night.

Paulie: Hey, how do you mix a martini?

Penguin2: Oh no, you had an oil spill?

Supertanker captain: Ooops, hey on the advice of my legal counsel, I can say no more. By the way, who owns the five miles of coastline back there?

Penguin1: The Arctic preserve heritage park has been devasted!!

Supertanker captain: It's parkland? Phew, that's a relief. Parklands don't have lawyers. Hey, are you Frosty? I've a got a royalty cheque for you somewhere..

Everybody turns to glare at Frosty, who has sunk to his knees by now, looking very sick.

Frosty: On behalf of the citizens of the Arctic, I accept this generous cheque from Exxon... phew, is it me or is getting a bit warm in here?

Penguin1: That's global warming, you twit, we're all doomed. We might as well sit down and have a few drinks and get used to it.

Everybody goes to sit at the bar except for Frosty, who is now on his hands and knees.

Penguin2: You know, these drinks are a bit warm.

Paulie: Oh, that can be fixed. Cabana boys! Come here!

Cabana boys arrive at the bar.

Penguin1: Can you get us some ice please?

Cabana boys run over to Frosty and grab bits of snow from him.

Frosty: No, no! What are you doing? Help.. help

The Pina Colada song starts to play.

{ 2 comments }

Jeff Lazerus December 14, 2009 at 6:05 pm

One word: AWESOME!

FubarGuy December 15, 2009 at 6:43 am

Call Hollywood – an instant Holiday Classic!!

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